It is 2:30 in the morning and I’m obviously not in bed. I have a headache. And my brain is active but empty. Running on the fumes of thoughts. The first clear thing that makes it’s way to the forefront of my mind is happiness. Actually, contentment. I don’t really think contentment is anything but what we make it to be. Just like a word doesn’t have meaning until we give it meaning. So what inside of us allows us to decide what makes us content and when do we finally achieve it?
Her drinking worries me. Not because it’s often, but because I don’t know why she drinks. Or why she drinks so much when she does. I know why I do. It relaxes me and lets me unwind when other less vice-ridden ways don’t work. But all I need, and all I know I need, are just one, maybe two, at the most. She agrees with the concept of another friend of mine that they consume any liquid at the same rate. But why? What is missing inside of you, your mind, that lets you not make the connection between what different ‘liquids’ do to their bodies? Where is the self-awareness? The recognition of you in the grand scheme of things and that perhaps, just perhaps, your problems, baggage, hangups, are miniscule, really? I think it’s because it makes her feel good. Just like it does to me. But she, like others I know, don’t feel when good when they aren’t drinking. There’s something about that physical/mental state, the drunken contentment, under the haze of alcohol that is far more easier to obtain than anything you could do in sober life. It’s like a great quote from a great movie, Bull Durham: “The world is made for those who aren’t cursed with self-awareness.” She definitely is not self-aware. And it’s not just her. It’s him. Them. Men. Women. Young. Old.
Those who claim they do anything to make anyone happy because it makes them feel good probably isn’t lying. Laying themselves prostrate for the sake of others’ happiness is what people who are so goddamned lonely and unconfident about their value in life do. Being happy because you make others happy isn’t happiness. It’s a shallow kind of contentment, short-lived. You become so focused on others, you’re not forced to look at yourself. To examine yourself. To understand yourself. Live your life long enough like that, when the time comes that you just don’t understand why the same things keep happening to you over and over again, you won’t have any of the resources to do just that: understand who you are and what you want and how to get it.
I keep wanting to talk about her because I’m not so sure I can talk to anyone else about it. I think because they’d just agree with all that I have to say and ask why I’m even friends with her. Just as it happens in relationships, familiarity breeds contempt in friendship as well. She’s great with kids because she gives unconditionally and, I believe, thinks that because they’re kids, there isn’t much else they have to give her other than their attention and easily obtained affection. They’re kids. They’re simple. Men are a different story. Even as a woman and nearly three years younger than her, I learned a while ago that you can’t force the roles and scripts you want your life to play out as on other people. No one has that kind of control. My idea of what a mom should be was different than my mom’s idea of what a mom should be. Because she only knows how to be a mom the only way she knows how. I certainly don’t know so why should I force my expectations of that role on her? I had to learn to understand her as the mom she is and, quite frankly, since I’ve been doing that, our relationship has improved unbelievably. The same goes for men. Yes, women should have standards, don’t get me wrong. So should men. But there is not a single perfect man out there in this world because there is no single perfect woman. In an immature part of my head (a.k.a. the perfect world), I want a man to know exactly what I want before having to say, to know exactly what moves to do to make me orgasm without me saying “Oh! Take two steps back, one step forward, turn 12 degrees to the right and flick your tongue faster” or to say exactly what I need to hear at any particular moment. It takes effort. It takes time. It takes a lot of patience to understand someone. I liked it when I read about some female author who wrote a book called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling”. She had this 80/20 rule. If a man met 80% of your criteria for the perfect person, you can forgive the missing 20%. Why? Because no one is 100%. Ever. And 80% is still A LOT. So even finding someone who meets that much is incredible. Soon, after patience, understanding, effort, communication, that 80% slowly fills out to 100%. The other 20 slowly absorbed into the 80 over time.
People grow. People don’t just ‘already be’.
Back to this friend. I told her once that she needs to look at herself and ask herself if she’s everything a guy could ask for. After listing that if he can deal with her temper, sudden and oft explosive mood swings, her desire to constantly bitch about things but not do anything about them, and be able to allow her to joke and tease but under no circumstances can he return the jests because she can’t handle criticism and confrontation, then yes, she’s all a guy could ask for.
No.
No one will put up that. So I mentioned about the benefits of stripping down all aspects of yourself and tossing out or changes the things you don’t like and then rebuilding yourself with all the stuff you love about who you are. Absolutely not, she shouldn’t have to change for a man. She doesn’t want to change. Well, for those women out there who say that, that they don’t need to/shouldn’t have to change, reality check. It’s not a man you’re changing for, it’s for a relationship. It’s for happiness. For contentment. Relationships are compromises, not ‘as is’ deals. Relationships have to change, otherwise all that you have is…not a relationship. At least a meaningful one. Regarding my relationship, she said (all very non sarcastically or mean), “You’re way more forgiving than I am.” She explained that not that he’d done anything to me in particular (to which I replied that’s why forgiving is the wrong word), but his situation. I’m very forgiving of it. I’m not attached or in love with his situation, though it does affect both of us. I’m in love with him. What we have is worth dealing with each other’s situations. What we have is understanding. Most importantly understanding of ourselves because that allows us to be open and communicative and understanding of each other. We both, long before we were together, managed to find the ability to be content with what we had: our self. We value ourselves as much as we value each other and value the both of us as one. Cliché, but you are only as strong as the weakest link: when nothing else makes sense of your luck in life (or relationships really), hopefully you’re able to suggest to yourself that maybe you are your weakest link.
